Dear Cora and Harley,
Sorry I haven’t written these past
couple of weeks; it has been a little traumatic for me. For starters, I had to
go visit the three letter bad place: you know… the “V” place. Mom told me that
Granny and Papa were coming over to take me for a ride. Well, she wasn’t lying.
I did go for a ride. What she did fail to mention was that I was going to the
VET!!! Of course I took my shot like a champ, but I wish someone woulda given a
pup a heads up. That was my first traumatizing event; second, mom decided last
week that it was a good time for me to have a bath. Does she even know how long
it took me to smell like a dog again? Well I had the bath and then she chased
me around the house with girly spray. Not only did I have to have a bath, but
now I smell like air freshener gone terribly wrong. Now, the last thing that
happened to me, seriously guys, almost ended my life. I saw the whole two years
of my life pass by. So mom decided that it would be a good morning to go to the
little park behind our “apartments” (I am still trying to figure that one out).
Well she took me off the leash, and well I saw a duck that looked like it
wanted to play tag. I decided to take one for the team and be “it” first. I
took off at a dead sprint after this duck, and that little booger used its
weird paws to come off the ground. I was too busy looking up and running to
realize that there was a HUGE pond right in front of me. I put on the brakes in
a hurry and slid in the mud in the edge of the water. I swear guys I ALMOST
DIED… FOR REAL. I jump back out of the water and look to mom who is
literally on the ground LAUGHING. I didn’t jump in her lap for a while that is
for sure because it wasn’t funny. Other than that, life has been same ole same
ole. Halloween is coming up and mom has me wearing a dumb costume (Cora, I know
you can relate). It is a penguin, I think. I don’t even know…all I do know is I
look ridiculous. Also, mom brought home this big orange ball thing and set it
outside my window. I bark at it to tell it to go away, but it never even budges.
It doesn’t even try to leave. Mom calls it a pumpkin? I call it an unnecessary
waste of sidewalk space. Well I guess that is all I have to report this week.
Love and miss you both,
Ace (be happy I am still alive)
Sellers
I have a particular concern this week that I was hoping ya'll could shed some light on.
My momma and Alex have been gradually filling my room with dozens of tiny clothes. Not only that, but now they are also bringing tiny chair like things and a tiny bed...are these for me?
I mean, they put me in them so they must be mine. But if they arn’t, whose are they? Momma and Alex arn’t small enough to fit in them.
I've also been hearing the word 'baby' being said back and forth between momma and whoever’s house we go to. She must be talking about me because I'm her only baby. I get it now!! All these new things are for me!
Mom must have finally realized that I am not just some standard dog and deserve better living arrangements. She even has taken it a step farther as to getting me clothes like she wears.
Finally! I'm glad she has finally seen the error in her ways. I was getting a bit exhausted trying to make it clear to her.
But all that's about to change! Yes, brothers, I am indeed living the good life and will soon be treated like the princess I am.
So how has your lives been?
Mine just getting better and better.
Sending love to the peasant pooches,
Cora 'The Primadonna' Chipoodle
Dear Cora and Ace,
I understand you both have a number of concerns about the
things happening in your lives. Let me first address the concerns of that of my
brother. Ace, you are without a doubt one of the dopiest individuals on this
planet. That duck with the strange paws you speak of had wings that allow it to
fly away from nuisances like yourself. I like to refer to what happened to you
in this incident as a “natural consequence.” Don’t know what that means? Go
look it up. I do share your legitimate fear and disdain for the “V” place. That
is scarier than anything I’ve ever come in contact with. I enjoy car rides,
too. However, I always am a bit fearful at first because there is always the
possibility of the “V” place. That is usually the only time we get to ride in
the car. Well, that or the dog groomer. Which, by the way, I have yet to see.
I’m a hot mess of mats and stinky. Ace, you may enjoy being stinky, but I
don’t. Mama won’t love on me that much when I stink. She won’t let me curl up
in those fluffy blankets that I just love! And now, she accuses me of having
gas! I mean, the audacity! That’s like the pot calling the kettle black, if you
know what I mean?
Now, Cora. I know you think all this stuff is for you. That
simply isn’t true. Your mama is going to have a baby. As in, a tiny human
person. All those lovely things you think belong to you…well, they don’t. It is
all for that tiny human that is growing inside her and making her “fat” as you
so aptly stated in your last letter. Brace yourself, tiny humans will take over
your life. They are messy and grabby and needy and whine, whine, whine. They,
too, are scary. They pull your fur, chase you everywhere, pull your legs, and
even bite! I hope you’re prepared for that. Your human is just putting all
those things on you for her basic amusement. You are a joke to her and everyone
who sees those photos. Ace, your penguin costume is also for your human’s
amusement and all those who see that photo.
Thank goodness you two have me here to shed some light on
your limited knowledge of how the world works. If you need me, I shall be
curled up on the couch in my fluffy blankets, stinky or not! And if I should
“pass gas” as I may or may not do from time to time, well the humans will just
have to get over it!
Love your superior intelligent brother,
Harley (at times a
bit gassy) Browning
